Empowerment Coach Jeanine Bailey

Effectively communicating our message, or understanding others is not just about the words spoken, it’s also communicating with or understanding non verbal language. Research shows other ways of exchanging ideas without saying words is very powerful in face to face communication. This means, when we speak, it’s important to match our words with our non verbal language, such as our voice tone and body language. It’s equally important to understand non verbal clues when others are communicating to us, to determine meanings behind spoken words.

For example, if I asked a colleague how they were feeling and they replied they were ‘good’, but it was said in a flat tone of voice (like ‘I’m good’) and their shoulders are hunched, the ends of their mouth turned down and their eyes downcast, I potentially wouldn’t believe they were feeling good. I would want to ask questions to understand why the words they used didn’t match their body language.

Extensive research into what contributes to effective face to face communication has indicated the following:

• our words only contribute seven percent towards conveying our message to others.

• the quality and tone of our voice contributes around 38 percent to the effectiveness of our communication

• our body language, including facial expressions, accounts for 55 percent of what is perceived by others.

In other words, the verbal language we use accounts for very little of our total communication. This means to be truly effective, and potentially a powerful communicator, our non verbal language must match our words.

Imagine hearing a tone of voice that is short, snappy and loud. It can say a lot about a person’s frame of mind. Potentially they are in a hurry, impatient or angry. Imagine a facial expression, which can say so much in a second. Visualize the message someone wants to convey by raising an eyebrow, or winking with a smile.

Marcel Marceau, famous for playing a mime clown, and Charlie Chaplin, star of the silent screen in the beginning of the 20th century, both mastered using body language as the sole way to convey their story to their audiences. They didn’t have to speak a single word to communicate with their viewers, yet they attracted millions of fans from all over the world to their shows. As one critic said of Marcel Marceau; “He accomplishes in less than two minutes what most novelists cannot do in volumes.” That is an example of the huge power of body language.

So when you are communicating with people, be aware of how you deliver messages with your tone and body. When listening to others, observe their movements, including facial expressions and gestures as well voice changes in tone, strength, volume and timbre. Recognize what works well and model it in your communication.

Remember, you have the power to change the results you are getting in your life. It’s up to you to take ownership of your thoughts and actions to achieve your desired results.

The good news is; successful communication is a skill which can be learned by anyone who is willing to appreciate its foundations.  By embracing effective communication skills, we have the ability to comprehend others as well as be understood, which assists in building relationships.  This can lead to the ability to persuade others to see our point of view or understand our message.  Other benefits of effective communication include the ability to convey what we do and why, development of our career, ability to achieve our goals, and the list goes on.

If we think about successful people we know, what is the one denominator they all have in common?  Successful world leaders, managers, colleagues, singers, community leaders, to name a few examples, are strong communicators who connect and influence others.  They reach out to their audience and convey a message that demonstrates their understanding and appeals to their followers.  Based on this platform, successful people can speak with power and influence, with the ability to persuade others to follow their lead.

For example, it is known Barack Obama was able to win Presidency of the United States by communicating and making a strong connection with voters across every level.  He was able to gain strong support by:

• Understanding the key issues for the American people.
• Demonstrating he was aware of the issues and would tackle them as President.
• Establishing strong values and integrity throughout the campaign by sticking to the key issues.  For example, he didn’t get pulled into tactics played by the opposition and rarely referred to race throughout the campaign.
• Utilizing different communication channels that appealed to many voters such as Facebook.

Consequently, people were able to vote for Barack Obama with confidence, resulting in a convincing win.

As Stephen Covey, renowned, international leadership expert said, ‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood.’ Barack Obama is a great example of how effective communication is not just about talking, it’s also about listening to and understanding the audience’s needs and appealing to those needs.    

Remember, you have the power to change the results you are getting in your life. It’s up to you to take ownership of your thoughts and actions to achieve your desired results.

Alan Cohen, author and key note speaker said, “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” In other words, if we step up and take on more responsibility, we will notice increasing problems or challenges popping into our lives. And as we keep growing and developing, these challenges become bigger and gradually become part of our comfort zone.

A successful business woman and entrepreneur once said, “The more you take on, the more effective you become and the more problems will be sent your way, because you are ready for them. This leads to even greater fulfilment and success.” Nelson Mandela is an example of someone who took on larger challenges the more he stepped out of his comfort zone in pursuit of achieving his dream. Not only has he influenced his own nation, but countries around the world, to create significant and powerful change for the benefit of many.

So every time you feel challenged and stretched, this is the time to get really motivated and excited about embracing the gift of problems in the form of a challenge, because it means you are learning more whenever you step up and meet them. This is the time to accept life’s challenges whole-heartedly to see the new possibilities available to you. And just when you believe you are on top of all your challenges, you can be sure more will come, because you are ready for further growth.

Embracing uncertainty outside of our comfort zone is the pathway to a successful and rewarding life. If we reframe problems to be seen as challenges, which are opportunities for our personal development, we give ourselves the ability to uncover our deeper character and resourcefulness. We also understand there are no limits on our future potential and growth.

Remember, you have the power to change the results you are getting in your life. It’s up to you to take ownership of your thoughts and actions to achieve your desired results.

If an outcome from doing something new is negative, it’s realising it’s about accepting feedback, which turns into an opportunity to learn and grow.  Kevin Blanchard, author of One Minute Manager and management expert says, ‘Feedback is the breakfast of champions.’  Even the most successful people like Bill Gates and Richard Branson have made what might be seen as mistakes, but they also view them as invaluable feedback.  They learn what to avoid, what not to do, and narrow down the possibilities to use next time.  Or they discover brilliant new opportunities in the process.

Thomas Edison failed over 10,000 times before creating the light bulb.  He saw what others would call failed attempts as more than 10,000 possibilities of refining and narrowing his search for a solution.  Christopher Columbus failed on his mission to navigate his way to India, but instead, he discovered America.  Successful people know taking educated risks and embracing the unknown will possibly not get the results they wanted, but in the act of doing so, they will potentially grow and prosper.

In fact, experts say there is no such thing as failure only feedback.  Imagine reframing what was perceived as a mistake to; ‘there is only learning and growth from positive and negative feedback, which puts us on the ultimate path to success.’  So when you perceive you’ve failed at something, consider the following:

• Recognize you might make errors when trying new possibilities carried out with the best intention.
• Acceptance of responsibility for making mistakes makes learning possible.
• You can’t change mistakes, but you can respond by assessing what worked, what didn’t and how you could approach it differently next time.
• Growth occurs when you see opportunity for improvement and take action to create change for the better

Theodore Roosevelt, former US president said that it’s not the critic that counts, who points out another’s failings.  He says credit belongs to the person who puts in the effort, who may fail over and over again, but all their devotion and energy goes towards a worthy cause with great enthusiasm.  And if they fail, they do it while they are daring to be courageous and can never be in the ‘camp of the timid’ who neither know victory or defeat.  By taking action in the areas of the unknown and learning from our mistakes, we gain knowledge and potentially become aware of new opportunities.

Remember, you have the power to change the results you are getting in your life. It’s all up to you to take ownership of your thoughts and actions to achieve your desired results.

Stepping out of our comfort zone to achieve personal growth is about taking new actions to achieve our desired goals, and this may mean facing fearful situations. Choosing to venture out into the unknown can potentially mean confronting our fears. That’s when our courage shows up to enable breakthroughs and positive, lasting change. This is opposed to staying within our boundaries of comfort, which can create complacency, even pain, because there are potentially greater risks by staying the same.

Our fears, which potentially prevent us from experiencing new opportunities have been developed through the age of time with the intention of keeping us safe from harm. In the early days of mankind, we reacted to fear using an instinctive fight or flight mechanism to keep us safe from dangers like fire and predators. However, our fears have become increasingly complex since development of our critical thinking.  We still use instinctive behavioural strategies when it comes to facing those fears created by our thoughts.

The strategies we use when tackling our fears can either be resourceful or un-resourceful, depending on what we were taught, what we learned and what we believe. Resourceful strategies are behaviours which create effective outcomes which are good for us and good for others. Un-resourceful strategies create negative outcomes for our selves and others. Or potentially lead to no result at all.

For example, if we choose to confront our fears, we may decide to use resourceful tactics, such as being assertive when tackling issues to create a win/win outcome. Or, we can choose an ineffective strategy, such as behaving aggressively towards others, to combat our underlying fears. And if we decide to take flight from fear, we might opt to back down to defuse a situation with the aim of seeking a different, potentially successful approach. Or we may choose to shy away from the fear and hope it goes away.

This instinctive mechanism of fight or flight can potentially keep us stuck in an old response pattern to what we believe is a fearful situation. To break the old habits in terms of our thinking and way of responding, ask yourself when you face a fearful situation:

• Are my personal strategies resourceful or un-resourceful?

• Are they getting the results I want or are they preventing me from getting the outcomes I want?

• Do they keep me stuck, or do they empower me to achieve my goals?

• What do I need to let go of, or what can I do differently to get the results I want?

• What would someone else I know who gets great results do in this situation?

Notice the new results you create when you change an old pattern and keep refining your response to be able to achieve the outcomes you desire.

Remember, you have the power to change the results you are getting in your life. It’s all up to you to take ownership of your thoughts and actions to achieve your desired results.

So how can we help ourselves to break old patterns of behaviour and face challenging new experiences, knowing they are important to our personal growth? And importantly, who do we need to be, to create greater awareness and learning opportunities? Being courageous, flexible, curious and resourceful are some of the character traits of those willing to embrace new experiences and knowledge, which we can all adopt if we make a decision to do so.

Some of the beliefs these individuals generally demonstrate, which we can try on for ourselves, are as follows:

- Courage can only show up through new actions, knowing fear is there, but so is courage, and when we act in a time of fear, we also feel courage.

- Fear is normal and waiting for fear to disappear is waiting for the impossible. It will only disappear if we embrace it repeatedly so it becomes ‘normal’.

- It’s worth taking risks and making mistakes, knowing we’ve done our best to improve our options.

- We can change old ways of thinking and strategies that haven’t got successful results in the past by identifying how we can you do things differently next time.

- Solving problems is the key by coming up with solutions, instead of focusing on the problem itself.

- We can stretch our way of thinking to seek new opportunities outside of what we know.

These are some of the key beliefs we can hold ourselves to create personal growth and promote self development. It’s about ‘scuffing our knees’, like the very first time we learnt how to walk or ride a bike. We first feel fear when we do something outside of what we know, until it becomes a habit and one that opens up our world of choices.

As Chet Atkins, influential guitarist and record producer once said, “Everything I’ve ever done was out of fear of being mediocre.” Chet was recognised for his style of guitar playing and produced records for artists such as Elvis Presley. He clearly wanted global success and went out of his comfort zone to open up the wonderful possibilities that became available to him.

Remember, you have the power to change the results you are getting in your life. It’s up to you to take ownership of your thoughts and actions to achieve your desired results.

Breaking out of our comfort zone to create greater learning can sometimes be likened to a child. They are living happily at home with people they love, trust and know, and one day, they experience their first day at school. They are introduced to so many new, potentially overwhelming things which are hitting all their senses; a new regime, a new playground with lots of children they may have never met before, taking instruction from an unknown ‘authority’, a bombardment of different noises, and a new routine of when to eat, play and pay attention. This can be intimidating, and although some children will embrace these changes, others will protest and want to go back where they believe they are safe. In hindsight, we know going to school is about getting used to new sights, sounds and feelings, and this is where we learn and become equipped to take on future challenges in this world.

So, like a child on their first day of school, when we move closer to the boundaries of our comfort zone, we may feel insecure, confused, fearful or even excited about new learning challenges. When we do experience these feelings, we may want to retreat back into the familiar and forgo the chance to discover more about ourselves and the world around us. Alternatively, if we choose to embrace uncertainty and make fear our friend, it gives us courage to step into the unknown onto a path of great learning. Courage enables trust: trust that no matter what the outcome, as a result of stepping into the unknown, we’ve done our best at that time. And reflection enables us to determine what worked, what didn’t and how we can alter our approach with the view of doing better next time.

American leadership author, Max DePree quotes, ‘We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are.’ That’s why true leaders, successful people, people willing to embrace life, will welcome fear or confusion, because they know when they are challenged and take action, it leads to growth, no matter what the outcome is. They understand the invaluable, positive lessons from attempts to stretch themselves beyond what they know, even if they do make mistakes.

Remember, you have the power to change the results you are getting in your life. It’s up to you to take ownership of your thoughts and actions to achieve your desired results.